They had chuckled when Thelma said that her husband was out of town: Harry, a member of the advisory board of the Boy Scouts of America, spoke at Boy Scout functions somewhere in America almost every night of the week. The markers of ones life stages are always significant, and few markers more so than retirement. I could see Sauls discomfort as he revealed these plans to me. So much wanting. And then it goes away again! That cartoon was apt for Carlos, except that he had not one, but repeated episodes of clarityand they always went away again. Marie was a forbidding presence and most people felt daunted and distanced by her beauty and hauteur. Above all, I wished to protect and maintain our relationship. She had never before split offoh yes, there had been one time, a third personality named Ruth Annebut the woman who came today had never appeared before. Nothing has ever been more real to me. Thelma, who had been apathetically slumped in her chair, suddenly bolted upright. He cried for all that he had missed, for all the years of deadness in his life. I had helped him realize that, to the extent that he was in prison, it was a prison of his own construction. She went on a liquid Optifast diet, ate no solid food, bicycled forty minutes every morning, walked three miles every afternoon, and bowled and square-danced once a week. The morning stillness now seemed menacing. We battled for months. Ill give you a hint. We got up to leave, and I offered her my hand, both hands. . What do you think Ill missthe new tax forms?, Sometimes retirement stirs up important feelings because it is such an important milestone in life. It seemed best to act without consulting him, and to inform his children of his condition. I dont know how much he has told you about me and traveling. Over the months I had been seeing Carlos, I had discovered that I could chart, with astonishing accuracy, the course of his cancer by noting the things he thought about. Love's Executioner. Thats the rational side of specialness. Another good example, I thought, of the pointlessness of the therapist rushing in with an interpretation, even a good one like this. . Marge illuminated another dimension of that contract: that I must be with her most central self. It stands to reason that there is more to be gained in working with, say, a young mother with three children. Youve been working for how long? I heard a small child crying below in the darkness, calling for help. You knew that before, I know. I decided to increase my leverage by triangulation, and I approached the same issue from another direction: And, Carlos, something else comes to my mind right now. And I can ask hard questions. That was when he learned that he had deadened himself. First, she lamented that Matthew had such a low opinion of her. Now let me answer the personal part of the questionhow do I feel about working with you? There is nothing worse than to feel bereft, to feel that you are absolutely alone in the world. I met Harry in the thirties when I was dancing professionally on the Continent. Then one hundred ninety. And I guess I didnt look at her very often, either. But, frankly, Im disturbed at the idea of his retirementand when I get upset, upset about anything, Marvin gets upset. That desire must have been percolating on the back burner as I pursued my academic career, for as I began writing these ten stories, I sensed I was on the way to finding myself. Rationally, Elva knew Albert was gone, but still she lived her routine, everyday life behind a veil of illusion which numbed the pain and softened the glare of the knowing. Do you feel the same way? I never saw Blush (or Brazen) again. Whose death will make me truly dead? She was down to two hundred forty pounds, then two hundred thirty, and two hundred twenty. The story In Search of the Dreamer offers a unique backstage view of the escape of death anxiety and the minds last-ditch attempt to contain it: here, amidst the pervasive, dark death imagery of Marvins nightmare is one life-promoting, death-defying instrumentthe glowing white-tipped cane with which the dreamer engages in a sexual duel with death. Irvin D. Yalom, M.D., is the author of The Schopenhauer Cure, Lying on the Couch, Every Day Gets a Little Closer, and Love's Executioner, as well as several classic textbooks on psychotherapy.. Well, I got pregnant at fifteen. With his usual care, Marvin had come prepared with one-year follow-up notes which reviewed and assessed the tasks we had addressed in therapy. And that was that! Thelma turned her face directly toward me for the first time and added, in a resigned, weary voice, Ive never seen him again. Perhaps it is more accurate to describe therapy as treating the patient as an adult. Now the time was up, our work at an end. Describe Carlos's sex life when he came to Yalom. It struck me as wonderfully funny and I started to laugh, and laughed until my eyes filled with tears. When Im this depressed, eating is the only thing that keeps me going.. Dr. K. listened, gave cautious assent, and agreed to meet twice weekly with Saul, who would do the library research. And it would have been a disaster for the children; she couldnt have given them anything as a single motherand it was here that I learned more about why Penny withheld telling me about the twins earlier. When the great bag had finally yielded all, Elva and I stared in wonderment at the contents set out in rows on my table. The real actress, the responsible consciousness, remained concealed backstage. After all, was it not an auspicious sign that he was willing to trust me? The scope and expansiveness of his badness was, of course, evidence of an ominous grandiosity which, in turn, overlay a deeper sense of worthlessness and insignificance. I wrote this book twenty-five years ago and, since then, had not once read it in its entirety. Its always the attractive woman who gets chosen for affirmation. . Just what I tell my students. Besides she marshaled other responsibility- absolving arguments: the genetic component (there was considerable obesity on both sides of her family); and the new research demonstrating physiological abnormalities in the obese, ranging from lower basal metabolic rates to the present, programmed, relatively un-influencible body weight. Hed foul himself as much as me. No answer. So Marvin disrupted the pace of the hour. Perhaps he felt that the letters would lose their power if he shared them with others? The ability to be hypnotized is simply a trait someone is born with. Why do you surrender your power to Matthew? Never in his life had Saul failed to complete a project, and his first reaction was to suggest he continue on it alone. I wondered, If disguise were unnecessary, if the dreamer could speak to me without guile, what might he say? The actress and the statue traded places. She sighed, closed her eyes, and nodded. She would, for example, introduce what she was about to say with a lengthy, boring preamble. Her response was icy: You think Im nothing. Whatever has happened since then can never erase what he gave me then.. When my secretary told me about his second call a few hours later (I hate to bother the doctor, but I wonder if he could fit me in, even for a few minutes, just a little earlier), I recognized Sauls signal of great desperation and called him back to arrange for an immediate consultation. But we had not progressed very far in our exploration of life purpose (not that progress can be expected: absence of purpose is a problem of life rather than of a life) when Penny changed course yet again. I worried about rash decisions. I get into moods when I know its the only way out. Our next session started uneventfully. (I remember it well, I think, because it was the only remotely personaland the most helpfulthing she said in my six hundred hours with her.) But she interrupted and told me I had misunderstood: she felt no guilt but was instead overcome with regret that she had waited until she was forty-four to relinquish her control and let some real feelings out. When you say you never thought it would happen to you, I know just what you mean, I said. The more I looked into myself, the surer I was that my positive feelings for Saul were still intact. I always thought my daughter would go to Stanfordif she had lived.. In that article he had credited Dr. K. for some of the ideas expressed and had cited their now unpublished article. That the other woman was Sonia, herself as a young woman, suggested I needed to spend more time looking at Thelmas feelings about her age. I was definitely growing irritated and thought, Eight years have gone by, Thelma, cant you get the message? Too ashamed to invite any visitor inside, she tried at first to repay invitations by entertaining in restaurants. This letter was too devastating. It occurred to me that I was performing a thankless task. Youve done a helluva good job with her. That needy part of me did not act in Maries best interests. I wished I had a brown paper bag for him to breathe into but, lacking that old folk remedy (as good as any other for counteracting hyperventilation), I tried to talk him down. It hit the visitor at the front door and no amount of air, shampoo, deodorizing, or perfume could cleanse Maries home. How did Mike interpret Marie's two smiles? It was best to keep the lid of this underworld sealed. She must have been thinking, Oh, I wouldnt feed him poisoned dog foodnot unless he got a little old and bothersome. To make matters worse, that evening Marge had gone to a public lecture given by an extremely articulate and attractive young woman philosopher. Then he pats himself on the back for whatever nonremarkable accomplishment he does make. Why that day and not another day? I drew on those techniques in my session with Saul. It was a clumsy effort on my part. Well, thats when your Carlos went into action.. In Elvas words, a GAPgentile American princess. But we talked past each other. And now it was apparent that the center could not hold. Maybe they dont sound good, but that happens to be the way were built. What about all the other feelings going on inside you that you havent expressed? Two previous wives had obtained enormously generous and uncontested divorce settlements. They were having the same problems in living that I was. She looked up at me, and her face was a hideous mucous-filled skull. Under ordinary conditions Marie could be a difficult patient, but after her accident she was astonishingly resistive and caustic. The envelope was identical to the first. Usually she looked upward, as though lost in recollection. I didnt know what Saul was talking about. Wiping her brow with a tiny handkerchief, she stalled for time. If, for example, she was able to trust and to reveal herself to me more than to anyone previously, then she contained within herself that experience as well as the ability to do it again. You said before that one could hardly have deliberately designed behavior more likely to hurt you. He did that twice a day and taught me the practice as well. If you want to help methen teach me how to hate armadillos!. Im not talking about major or predominant feelings, but about any other flashes you had., I know what youre after. Much of her therapy had been obtained at the local county mental health clinic, where she had been treated by a series of trainees. Youve been in great turmoilso frightened that youve put this visit off time and again. Any introduction of reality should help me release Thelma from her fixation on Matthew. I had to start with something more immediate. Dr. C viewed the smiles as Marie understanding and accepting what he was saying to her. While I couldnt guess what would be set free, I anticipated considerable churning during the week and awaited her next visit with much curiosity. Is this what you want from your relationships with others?, Doc, I understand completely what youre saying, but theres a bug in your argument. Also, just comes off as self-satisfied; it made the reading distasteful, and I didn't finish in the end. She stared at the wall and seemed hardly to hear me. Just humor me. After all, like Matthew, I know a great deal about you. Soon we spent entire sessions talking about her father. Forty-one years of living with a fixer is powerfully comforting. He therefore, dreaded the publication of the article and Dr. K's response. Yet they are so subtle in character that they generally elude most research-outcome questionnaires. Perhaps I was willing to permit Marvin a slower pace because of my encounter with the dreamer. Im going to have to leave California in a year, remember., A years a long time. He never missed an opportunity to describe to me in graphic terms what he would like to do to Sarah, as though he considered that we were rivals for her. I had not even managed to establish a solid therapeutic alliance with her: her emotional energy, every dram of it, was riveted to Matthew, and I had found no way to pry it loose. Then Id think about speeding up my pulse to let the blood out faster. Beware of stripping a patient who cant bear the chill of reality. Even though I didnt talk about him all those years, I still thought he should know which therapist I was seeing. Do you think I should have gotten lithium?. Then she turned to me and fixed her eyes on mine. At least for someone who finds people and their motivations and the reasons behind the development of their quirks and personalities to be interesting. When I pressed her to say exactly what was on her mind, she said in a singsong childs voice, If I cant have a cookie, I wont do anything for you.. Marie was brittle, irritable, and despite her avowed gratitude to me, often sarcastic or provocative. And I hate their clothesthe shapeless, baggy dresses or, worse, the stiff elephantine blue jeans. University of Idaho. Should I ask harsh existential questions of a dying man, a widow, a bereaved mother, and an anxious retiree with transcendent dreamsquestions for which I have no answers? Where transference refers to feelings that the patient erroneously attaches (transfers) to the therapist but that in fact originated out of earlier relationships, countertransference is the reversesimilar irrational feelings the therapist has toward the patient. These thoughts all occurred to me but I found them dismissible. Her anxiety had to do with her fear of getting too dependent or addicted to therapy. Even insurance forms had to be sent to his secret post office box number. I inquired about the precise content of her daydreams, and Thelma seemed to enjoy talking about them. Instead of responding to me, Saul lay still, his eyes averted. Does Yalom believe that we can relate to people if we can vividly and reliably categorize them? I didnt know her name and she didnt have much freedom, but we each knew how to find the other. Ive never been unfaithful to Phyllis! I wonder whats left of her now? She then notified the police about the threat (but not, of course, about the highway chase), and for the last week her house had been under constant police surveillance. He wasnt loving you, Thelma, he was using you. Thelma had had sufficient time (twenty years of therapy!) Penny couldnt make sense of that, except then to say that maybe having the boys at all was a mistake. It seemed the right thing to do. At first I thought that the timing could not have been worse. I knew that I had good reason to be guilty. I had placed him in a group six weeks ago to provide him with a community that would both help to penetrate his isolation and also, by identifying and urging him to alter some of his most socially objectionable behavior, help him to create connections in his social life. I was convinced the abscess had to be incised and drained and that what I needed to do was to persuade you to permit me to do it. Much good the interpretation didlike throwing pebbles at a rhino: the mere utterance of the word sex was enough to summon the spasms. Moreover, eight years of Thelmas taped phone messages had to be getting to him, and I was confident that he, too, longed for release. Ive been dreading the publication of this article. If I were in your situation, Id feel the same way.. I was interested in, grateful for, his last few words: the once in a while. Those words, added almost as an afterthought, seemed to suggest some scrap of self-consciousness or shame. Well, in my case you may be right. I had developed a variety of hypotheses about his behavior, but I was not remotely prepared for the story I had just heard. My reaction then was that my aunt was right: there is something basically wrong with me. I have never touched her. If I left an imprint on your life, maybe I would be someone, someone you wouldnt forget. And always, if nothing else worked, there was always the cash payoff. Were I my own patient (or my own therapist), I would say, Imagine the letters gone, destroyed or lost. Now quickly, lets pass on to another subject. Table of Contents: Acknowledgments Prologue 1. The surgeon admits that was true. Me closed her eyes for a minute or two and, when she opened them, she had vanished and Marge was back, crying and terrified. We turned away from Pennys relationship with her sons and ex-husband and began to consider another important characteristic of parental bereavementthe loss of meaning in life. I feel miserable. Perhaps she loved me enough to change her behavior! I had mixed feelings about her response. But this was all self-deception. Unfortunately feminism with the best of intentions is destroying respect for motherhood, masculinity and relations between the genders. I was determined to avoid that role; instead, I placed my faith in the assumption that, if I could help remove the obstacles that lay in her path, Betty would, on her own, take the initiative to care for her body. I was also careful to avoid sounding as though I were minutely scrutinizing our relationship: this was a time to nurture its growth. The main thing is that shes afraid of going out of the house. A few years ago, while preparing a research proposal on bereavement, I placed a brief article in a local newspaper which ended with this message:In the first, planning stage of his research, Dr. Yalom wishes to interview individuals who have been unable to overcome their grief. She had lost her belief in benevolence, in her personal invulnerability. I could only imagine the perplexity on Dr. K.s face when reading Sauls long letter defending himself against charges he, Dr. K., had never made. Oh no! But I might as well have been talking to the wind. I dared not utter the word boringfar too vague and too hurtful. Without question she had neglected the boys for the past eight years. LastlyI might as well be honestI was transfixed by the unfolding drama, as each week offered a new, exciting, and entirely unpredictable episode. Her company had originally trained her, along with eight other novices, in a three- month intensive course. I followed her into her every nook and crevice, awed that one old womans purse could serve as a vehicle for both isolation and intimacy: the absolute isolation that is integral to existence and the intimacy that dispels the dread, if not the fact, of isolation. I was moved now when she told me how she cried herself to sleep. Maybe its too painful to feel. As a counselor I felt repulsed by how he described his clients. They were evil, awful people, especially one toothless old crone whose face reminded me of Susan Jennings. I believe that the primal stuff of psychotherapy is always such existence painand not, as is often claimed, repressed instinctual strivings or imperfectly buried shards of a tragic personal past. Bettys father had died of cancer when she was twelve, and since then she had been terrified of the disease. Perhaps he can colonize the newfound islets of himself.. And it is change that is always the true quarry, however much a therapist may court insight, responsibility assumption, and self-actualization. I did not think that he would be a good candidate for a deep, uncovering type of psychotherapy. Its O.K. He put his head down and tried to collect himself. The second time she smiled was in response to Mikes equally ingenuous question, Would you feed your dog poisoned dog food?. Ive seen two cheap therapistsone was still a studentat the county clinic. The irony of it all. During these sessions we tried to make sense of what had happened, and mapped out a strategic response to future potential stress. But sometimes youve got to do what youve got to do. It was too late: his house had been built, his final examination turned in. He asked all about me. It was her depression speaking, and I was foolish enough to be persuaded by it. Im not going to close off this option., Im talking about the next six months only. Matthew? Would you see me? But this was my problem, not Bettys. Hes very attractive, hes the kind of man Id like to have in my life., Well, obviously I was embarrassed. I decided upon a general strategy: my basic position would be that I wanted to get closer to her but that her behavioral traits got in the way. During a long conversation about his years fellowship, I mentioned that I once had a friend, Saul, who also had a rewarding stay there. What youre saying doesnt make any sense at all. Did he ever realize how much I would have liked to join him, perhaps have a quick cappuccino together? Was he hoping that if Marvin changed, then he, the dreamer, would gain his release through integration with Marvin? But no one was spared. I tried often to focus on our relationship, but aside from some barbs in the first couple of sessions (of the you fellows think sex is at the root of everything genre), he made no reference to me whatsoever. In the past Sauls eyes would have smiled and met mine, but today he was clearly in no mood for wordplay. But we (some more than others) also have an irrational sense of specialness. 1. It wasnt the intrusion into my lifeId learned to expect that: it goes with the territory. I saw the other men in the group smiling at me. Ive been haunted by it for eight years. I have found that the memory loss that no one escapes has some advantages. Two years later, his older brother received a postcard from their father saying he was alive and well and was sure the family was better off without him. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. But Thelma rushed on, not listening to my comments. If Marie left him outside, he howled so incessantly that neighbors, even several doors away, phoned her to plead or demand that she do something. To tell you the truth, I was scared. I think it was the best hour of therapy I ever gave. My own words heartened me: the problem seemed suddenly clearer, more familiar, far more manageable. I felt discouraged: all my strenuous efforts had been ineffective. Your comment about his playing something out with his mother probably isnt a bad guess. You tell me Im not readynot ready to stop therapy, not ready to get married, not ready to adopt a child, not ready to stop smoking. Its an honor to meet you., Hes not without some charm, I thought, but I did not want to get involved in a distracting personal or professional discussion with Matthew: it was best for me to keep a low profile in this session and for Thelma and Matthew to interact as much as possible. Her life was being stifled in an airless, windowless chamber ventilated only by those long-gone twenty-seven days. A few hours later, the police found her empty purse dangling on a roadside bush. Im full of admiration for what youve overcome and what youve done in life.. By this time I was certain that Daves caginess, his avoidance and denial, would have ultimately led to the same result. His eyes open now to the existential facts of life, he was grappling with the inevitability of death and with his powerlessness to save himself. My suggestion was more effective than I anticipated. What had prevented him from forming even one intimate nonsexualized relationship with either man or woman? In fact, I feel warm inside when I see her at the end of the day. I get the point.". Have you ever imagined a conversation in which he releases you?. When her father died, everything changed. Therapy sessions always just stir the pot. Professionally, he regarded it as a successful consultation. Hes not out back in the workshop. Yet I am sure I aired my views in many indirect ways: a quizzical look, the timing of comments or inquiries, my fascination with some topics and indifference to others. Chapter 7 - Two Smiles. I just fear were heading toward trouble. I boiled two eggs and made egg salad. By approximately the sixth session, I had worn her down andto humor me, I believeshe agreed that the obsession was the enemy and had to be extirpated. Since Ive known you, the times youve been most persistently depressed are the times youve broken your connections to everyone and been really isolated. After forty-one years I still feel my wife is a great lady. Rather, love is a way of being, a "giving to," not a 'falling for"; a mode of relating at large, not an act limited to a single person." I felt sorry for the discomfort he experienced in each course of therapy. It was as she had said at first: No involvement, no separation., I was not dismayed by the re-emergence of these old feelings. The second smile? My general comment may have been a guess about the whole field and not an expression of my personal feelings about you. Perhaps just as often the opposite is true: other anxiety masquerades as sexual anxiety. The first call she made upon regaining consciousness was to Matthews tape machine. You just help get me started. She remained proud, somewhat judgmental, and resistive to new ideas. Twenty years of therapy? No matter how good your food, you are no match for a woman.. What are the charges?. Almost like shell find out about it., You give her a lot of power. Furthermore, since I was leaving on sabbatical in three months, there was insufficient time for a decent course of psychotherapy. She caught herself and slowed down. But to lose a child is to lose the future: what is lost is no less than ones life projectwhat one lives for, how one projects oneself into the future, how one may hope to transcend death (indeed, ones child becomes ones immortality project). The following data were extracted from the income statement of Saleh Inc.: b. Ill always be poor and will always spend most of my salary for psychiatric care.. I was certain that she understood me perfectly. I knew that he had not injured his back (he often avoided unpleasant confrontations by malingering), and he knew I knew it; but the crisp tone of his voice signaled unmistakably that I no longer had the right to comment on it. She told me later it was the first spontaneous act from Herr Doctor Professor (so that was my nickname! Not much other therapy has gone on. The collection of ten absorbing tales by master psychotherapist Irvin D. Yalom uncovers the mysteries, frustrations, pathos, and humor at the heart of the therapeutic encounter. I saw I had no choice but to own up. Youre not punishing yourself for something you did once, four years ago, when Chrissie was dying. At one point I tried to get beneath the forced hale fellow heartiness. Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I But Thelma didnt wait to hear the rest of my sentence. Sometimes when I get deep into thought, I feel that it would not be possible for himthe person who taught me to be opento devise a more terrible punishment than total silence. Love's Executioner Irvin D. Yalom Love's Executioner Thelma "Eight years ago, I had a love affair with my therapist. If you feel on the verge, call me. You seem familiar with itId be very interested to know your opinion of it. Several minutes later when she finished that anecdote (complete with a full historical account of how she and her sister first developed the habit of telling long tangential stories), we were hopelessly removed from our starting place and I had been effectively distanced. I could hear her listening, and continued. Saul was stuck. My irritation? I was astonished by the scope and complexity of the preparatory arrangements. Im trying to think of her exact words. The imagery and depth of the dream brought home to me how far she had come. But the next week Thelma, for the first time, missed her appointment. Throughout Love's Executioner, Irvin Yalom uses several different theories when working with patients.

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