OP, no idea if my experience is relevant to you or not, but the relationships in which the possibility of me cheating (never in a million years) was raised were the ones in which HE was cheating. Honestly, given his insistence that your company is basically trying to ruin your marriage by sending you on a business trip and the tenor of the conversations hes had with others about allowing you to do your damn job, my gut screams traditionalist underachieving man threatened by successful wife. The Sin City stuff is absolutely the product of creating a specific image through decades of marketing, not necessarily a real reflection of what its like. I noticed that as well. Kidnappings, someone spiking your drink, etc. We are the City That Never Sleeps, remember? Dont let his fear poison that for you, it wont end well for your happiness or well being. Ive known controlling people that became that way because it was a learned coping method for a disordered brain pattern not that it is a good coping method, mind you, but it is one. What do you think?. He cant expect his partner to sacrifice herself to the whims of his anxiety. It was a hard thing to learn (Look, Mom, its so simple, just literally never leave the house and Ill never be anxious! sounds SO rational in your head when youre facing lots of catastrophic thoughts!) Does hehave ahistory ofnot wanting toshare parts ofhis life with others? People are able to manipulate their therapists, and there are also just plain bad therapists: what if the OPs husband is in therapy already with, for example, a religious provider who reinforces his moralistic fears about Vegas? But Im not at all confident this is the source of the husbands issues :(. Or they have jobs that dont require business travel. But I just wanted to let you know that there are at least two people in the world who definitively do not agree with your husband. And if I only believed he was in danger because I have anxiety I cant control, this wouldnt help at allin fact, it would probably make the anxiety worse. This is a really, really big deal. I wonder if the husband is insecure that the wife is the primary breadwinner and might be subconsciously trying to sab0toge her career. Youre not choosing your career over your marriage when you take three days to sit in a conference hall, for chrissake. Hes not thinking logically already, so adding logic isnt going to change his mind. Think of it this way if you give in on this to avoid conflict, what will be next? You could likely even say to a bystander, hey something is weird here, and they would help you. They live there with partners and children, even! My anxiety would destroy her ability to enjoy herself, and thats not fair of me. Some people really arent used to being apart from their partners. The businesspeople in Las Vegas want to make money. Id do it again theres a mob museum and some other things Id like to see. He is just jealous that he cant get off work and go with me! When I lived in Tokyo, articles would occasionally pop up in the U.S. media describing a particular neighborhood as an adult playground where foreigners fell victim to crimes, and well-meaning relatives would forward them to me with a warning to stay away from here, LOL.. But they LOVE the idea of going there and want you to have lots of fun! Ive stayed in beautiful NYC and D.C. hotels for less than $130 a night. I would be surprised if it were anything more than a coincidence, but I think that reading that letter/advice/comments could be beneficial for this OP to see how it would likely be perceived if she did refuse to take the trip at her husbands behest. Thanks! It took getting out (and lots of tears, letting some of the love-roots pull out from my heart with time and distance, and lots of therapy) to realize that he really was some of those things and others he wasnt, but it was irrelevant because he was still hurting me. But theres no letting about it. If anything those are probably among the safer places in the country. A reader writes: My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. Its not bad practice to not accept food or drink from strangers, or let your drink out of your sight at a bar, but Id worry about those things much less in Las Vegas than in a local bar. Its a him issue. source: awkward . It reminds me of what my parents always said to stop me doing things. If you're able to, I would think about flying. Agreed! Its just a normal American city that happens to have the nations most vast square footage of conference hall space and some of its cheapest business-class hotels. Im all for giving your loved ones the name of the hotel youre staying at and checking in on a nightly basis (Ive done it myself) but if hes being controlling and/or anxious, there may be no amount of information that will be enough to assuage him. Never! Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. Your feigned hysteria of all caps and multiple exclamation points comes across like a rude caricature of people you disagree with. it says they WOULD even let their significant others go, not wouldnt! Yes. And it ignores other possible explanations. Maybe so, but I know plenty of people who, as JenB says above, have anxiety and dont express it in toxic and gendered ways that were really talking about two problems. We have tracks and the OTB, there are also lots of easy-to-locate poker games that are semi-legal. By letting him chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with male colleagues, in public, etc. And that now his family isdisappointed inme. It would never occur to him to equate a dang business conference held anywhere outside of a strip club with sexual abandon. Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . You have to go because if you refuse, that will absolutely jeopardize your standing in the company. Its stupid of me, I know. Yet he says he would not even go without me. I suspect he asked a leading question, something like My wifes company wants to send her to Vegas with a bunch of single guys who like to stay up late drinking. Forget $200, I once needed to add a night to my reservation at the Rio last minute.it was $20. Thoughts? See some shows, enjoy some good food, go on a nice hike. Because my husband trusts me. They were lost and just wanted to get back to the station, happened to see one guy had a gun and started cryingwhich caused all the guys to worriedly come over, try to calm them down, then send a guy to escort them personally to the train station. Any time I read My spouse wont let me . I want to yank that person out of that relationship. This is more his problem than yours. Nevertheless, couples therapy is ALSO necessary, because this is something that affects them as a couple and that they need to manage as a couple, even though the main onus is on him for managing his fears or whatever other issues he has. Also, if the OP is there for work, chances are shell be in meetings all day and then answering emails in her room at night. I highly doubt these people genuinely agree with him, but are more likely playing the supportive friend role. I usually find that veiled anxiety/fear of minorities is at the root of cities are dangerous and scary and you must never go out after dark fears, but rarely is it veiled so thinly. BTW, I hate the what happens in Vegas slogan and commercials as someone who did have a relationship end because of my partners infidelity, its not something that I find funny or amusing, and I cant imagine Im alone in that. My husband has been in counseling and on medication for his mental health. Bookings are open for June, July, and August family vacations in 2023, with per person prices starting at $3,699. I call him every day to give him some reassurance that Im fine, and that helps. This is controlling behavior and its not about your trip or your safety, its about his anxiety. (also, the remedy would normally be that both the wife and husband go to Vegas, not that the husband bans the business trip), I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple.. Thats where domestic abuse resources and charts come in. I understand everyones points of view completely, just a couple questions and I apologize if theyve already been asked and answered 1) but is it possible that he go too 2) my spouse travels monthly, I hate it. Last time you went on a business trip, you spent the entire time dealing with his feelings about it instead of focusing of what you were actually there to do. If the city is a well known destination to indulge in vices ( sex outside of a relationship for pay, drinking, drugs, gambling) than its fair to say that its not the most wholesome location. Maybe there are some things about himself orhis relationship with you that need some work. There are some cultures where marriage is really about the blending of two families. He definitely is the one that needs the work, but ideally I would think they should have both couples sessions and individual sessions for him. (I do apologize that my intention to be helpful wasnt completely clear). Back in the days of Usenet, this was called the lurkers support me in email, which just about sums it up. etc.. For work, though, it is perfect. and I was gutted. I do know that the way he is handling his concerns is controlling, right down to gaslighting you by saying everyone agrees with him. Projecting your particular set of issues on to everyone else really is not helpful. A therapist will be of substantial benefit to OP in uncovering these typically subconcious assumptions and patterns, and mindfully challenging them and acquiring a different and more equitable relationship with her husband. Thats pretty seriously delusional thinking. But I suspect if I went for leisure, Id be bored out of my ever-loving mind. The kidnapping/roofie argument is the same nonsense my parents used to justify not letting my sister and me go to slumber parties but my brothers could go on trips to Europe. Thats fine! That I was RIGHT! I would bet money he didnt tell everyone else the same story he told me. There are people whose mind translates any answer all, from Hmm okayhow bout that Topic Changers vs. Distractors game? to NONONONONO! Marriage counseling implies that she has some part to play in this; individual therapy for him would help him manage his expectations of realistic safe behavior in a marriage and at work. Forbidding is a different story). I hope he really is as great as you say, and that this is a one-off. Or the wife, for that matter. Its just such a common conference/trade show city! Unlike other cities where the hotels and expo centers are spread apart dotted in among the rest of the city, the downtown area was basically built for tourists/travelers. Group Leaders communicate with staff moderators and escalate potential violations for review, but they dont moderate discussions. Right? He can express an opinion at most. Thats what I was thinking. Yes, marriage counselling. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for. When I hear wholesome I picture a stereotypical 50s scene with aprons and apple pie and gee golly instead of swearing. is a really good sign! Im not controlling or irrational, Im protecting my marriage!, An outsider can actually say Husband, this behaviour isnt normal or good for your relationship. I just point out that theres more crime in her trailer park, and she gets huffy about it. My answer to the two questions asked in the original post are: No, you wouldn't be a terrible husband to go on a trip with a group without her. Instead, things got worse. Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. If all else fails OP can blame in on an alien abduction. My cousins wife asks permission for everything and it makes me side-eye that entire side of my family. Its not you I dont trust, its other people.. Companies have meetings there because the hotels are set up for them, and its incredibly easy. But they are the obvious two and also both hot-button topics on this forum. What if he dies? It can be challenging to know when to kind of cater to her anxiety (she is able to relax much better if I check the door locks before bed than if she does it, so I do it but never more than once a night), and when to decide that her worry about a particular issue has passed the point where I can be supportive and is just on her to manage (I refuse to provide reassurance for a 7th round of what if this offhand comment I made at work was overheard by the wrong person and totally misinterpreted and I get fired and then I cant find another job and then we lose the house?). Vegas isnt a magical dimension. That shows lack of trust in me, and thats no bueno. Id go with the anxiety answer first. We went to the Grand Canyon, went ziplining in the mountains and had a great without ever stepping in a casino. Take the same approach; its a problem affecting you both that you both want to fix. Youre an adult, OP! This absolutely doesnt make the response of OPs husband right in any sense, but figuring out why they are feeling like this can be helpful and can help figure out where to go from there. Wilberforce agrees with meeee!. I talked to a financial planner about my divorce before I decided to go through with it, and it turns out she and I married the same guy too! My husband has cheerfully seen me off to conferences in Vegas, Austin, Reno, San Diego, Milwaukee, and other cities. Me: Um, what now? Close Menu. I personally hate Vegas, but I would never question the idea of sending a business trip there because its typically the cheapest place you can gather people from offices all over the continent. Main Menu He needs to understand that what happens in their marriage is between them (and their counselors) and not random strangers, acquaintances and friends. People dont completely change upon touchdown in Vegas. ), but accommodating him a bit on that is reasonable, in my book and most importantly, has zero to do with his feeling ownership of me or thinking his wishes trump my work demands, and more to do with just wanting to be sure Im safe. From the outside, his train of thought is totally irrational. My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. In neither case do I think you should stay home, and I think youre best able to answer the question of his motivations, and how to deal with them long term. I had to go to Vegas once a year for a few days at my last job and I hated it. He doesnt have friends. Im just going to share my experience if it doesnt fit, let it roll off your back. They may not all work for you, but I hope that at least some will be helpful. Scheduled calls are a great idea. Yeah, I hate having that thought, but that was exactly where my mind went he is freaking out because he thinks OP is going to do what he did. Not that it makes it ok, at all. Unless OP has a history of partying hard and getting black-out drunk (which doesnt seem to be the case), I think theres little to worry about here. Her husband is a lovely person in general, but comes from a family that cares very much about keeping up appearances. Actually the cigarette smoke present in many buildings is the biggest turn off for me about Vegas. The next obvious thing is, we all get to be as irrational as we want. It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. Since frankly the marriage is not healthy do not risk your career, which you need, for him. In that case, marriage counseling is great. Get that man into counseling, pronto. Thats kind of hilarious because my ex was super upset the first time I went to Utah (current spouses family lives there), because he thought Id let our daughter be kidnapped by polygamists. If possible, Id suggest both individual and joint counseling. Thank you for sharing your story withus this iswhat weve come upwith: How would you react ifyou were inMayas shoes? his friends wouldnt let their wives go. There were also a TGI Fridays, a Hard Rock Cafe and a Coldstone Creamery. We can take care of ourselves. She should go and she should make therapy a minimal condition of continuing the marriage. Plenty to do in Vegas besides gambling and shows! If his fears really are Vegas-specific, spending time there might help. Wouldnt that bother you?. You can even pick up brochures of holiday packages. Best of luck on your issues, and I hope you get the resolution youre seeking! We are often there and then take the metro across town to the apartment where we stay at midnight. He wouldnt try and prevent me from going on one of those trips because it is work, but he used to fret quite a bit and if I didnt text when he expected (or didnt have phone service) he would panic (as in call highway patrol level panic). Just my two cents. Im going to second the suggestion of marriage counseling, but I think your husband sounds controlling and unreasonable. This reminds me of when I studied abroad in London and my mom warned me about people like Jack the Ripper. -OPs husband, probably. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. The country really isnt so homogeneous on this kind of experience that you have to seek out people to agree with you on this no matter where you live. But this doesnt seem to be important to the OP she recognizes that she should be allowed to go on business trips. I do NOT like it because OMG ALL THE NOISE ALL THE TIME, but I didnt ever feel unsafe. You need to do this to protect your relationship, because frequent anger is corrosive and damaging. I dont worry about it because why would i? Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. And he wouldnt like it either, wed be heading down to the pool and see people going to conferences and feel sorry for them that they had to spend the day inside while we sat in the sun with a mojito. rarely cede ground. Hehesitated, but agreed.Onthe third day ofthe vacation, his parents, brothers, and their spouses were all sitting atatable outside whileI was preparing afruit salad. Shed never thought about it because shed only seen the Strip depictions. Give yourself permission tofeel hurt and angry. When I was there, I went to museums, saw a few shows, visited a shopping centerall during the day (except the shows) and safe. Yeah. Again, not a concern for either of us. This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so. Congratulations! Why would you visit Vegas when you live in NOLA, unless it was for work. If OP and her husband are from perhaps a small conservative town and the husband has never been, theres a slim chance that hes reacting to this reputation. And who are all these people in his scientific study that are so against letting their SO go to Las Vegas for a business trip?? We felt safe walking around at 2AM. I think Id feel safer there than in my own city, where things can get desolate sometimes. My (mentally ill) mom does this thing where if theres something she doesnt want me to do, she makes up stories about how dangerous/stupid/inconsiderate/selfish/wrong of me to do it. I trusted him, he was fine. You feel this way, youre affected in this way, you would like to see this happen, and so on. He can see how boring Vegas really is. This is a great space to write long text about your company and your services. Friend: Uh-huh. Especially with comments like, I have anxiety and I would never act like this! Not everyones anxiety is the same. You are not alone with this. They always ended up going to what one of them called armpit towns. Even if they went someplace cool, they rarely had time to do anything ever. Have never felt nervous yet. Sure there used to be a lot of strip joints, etc., but now the most naked people are in the Cirque shows, and they just look naked. That is your priority as a mother. :D. There is nothing unwholesome about Vegas and plenty of reputable companies send their employees there for conferences because the city is set up for it with numerous transportation, hotel and food options. I didnt read him as being a chauvinist. Just live in an exurb of a big city rather than a small town), they find this baffling. Sure, but hes also clearly controlling and very manipulative. Its better than it has been at times, but it never quite goes away. There are lots of places in the country where the approach the OP describes is perfectly normal, and where its a lot harder work to find somebody who disagrees. The letter writers last trip was in February and the manager from the other thread wrote to Alison in the beginning of March, which would be right after she got back from this Vegas trip and told her boss she would no longer travel.

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